To Adopt or Not to Adopt

Guest Blogger Christine from the blog Welcome to my Brain shares a truly insightful post for those considering adoption.....








To Adopt or Not to Adopt



I have a very serious problem. Looking at pictures of orphans causes me to price airline tickets and find ways to sell all of my earthly belongings to bring them into our home. I don’t care for dogs. I tolerate our cats. Even adults can annoy me. Yet, show me a child in desperate need of forever, and I have an overwhelming passion to dive in without thinking.



Anyone with me?



I’m now a mother or five. Our first two came to us through birth. The third is African American and entered our home via domestic adoption (after waiting in a private foster home for seven months, because there were no waiting couples open to a child of color). Our two newest additions are Haitian. They came to the United States just over three years ago. Their first adoptive family chose to disrupt the adoption after two years of very painful struggles (they both have varying degrees of attachment disorder). We were foster parents for two years, somewhere in the middle of the last decade, as well. We’ve been around the adoption block a few times. While I still have to keep myself from photo listings, and my husband always fears I’d return from mission trips with another child in tow … well, I’ve learned some very difficult and valuable things along the way.



Will you allow me to lovingly share some thoughts with you on adoption? There are many who feel we should never, ever discourage anyone from adopting. I disagree. There are waiting children, but these children have special needs throughout a lifetime. Every single adoption (even infant adoption) involves pain and loss. Adopted children grieve their birth families and histories, even if those involved abuse and neglect. So, I’m not saying, “Don’t adopt.” However, I ask you to converse with God and determine if you are really ready right now to parent one of these children. If not, what will it take for you to get to that point? How does God need to work you over?



First and foremost, the very best place for any child is with their first family, if it is safe and loving. I know, I know … it seems as though if a child has to skip a day without food and cannot ever afford to go to school … well, they should be somewhere else, right?



No. No.



In case you didn’t catch that, it was, “No.” We need to support families who can and will parent their children. This is a struggle for me. I am American. We see certain things as basic rights and basic needs, when our greatest need is family. Take a few deep breaths and wrap your brain around that one for a little bit. There are no clear-cut answers, and it is organic with many, many factors. However, always, always keep this truth in focus. We should be supporting families first. Period.



Next, I ask you to consider a quote from Heather T. Forbes: “Adoption is trauma.” I realize I’m giving you all sorts or really difficult things to choke down, but really – adoption is trauma. Whether it was knowing a voice, heartbeat and rhythm of life for nine months that changes abruptly, or moving to a new country and a new language with new smells and sounds and tastes … adoption is trauma. This shouldn’t scare you, but it should make you more determined to acknowledge the losses your child has and will experience. It should spur you to learn everything you can to help your child navigate life with their very special needs and issues.



There are very few healthy babies out there waiting to enter homes. There was, but the need has shifted. There are a LOT of kids needing homes, but the job description looks more like this:



“Amazing child looking for family. Must love me forever. Have ability to be patient and kind, even when puberty hits and I scream, “You’re not my real mom!” Need not be jealous over the fact I miss my first family. In fact, you will need to talk about them regularly, knowing I’m thinking about them, even if they don’t come up in conversation. Must have determination to give me all I need, whether it is therapy, special parenting techniques, lifebooks, contact with my birth family or just holding me when I’m hurting and feeling loss … even though it takes a significant amount of time and effort. Cannot be easily provoked, as you may discover I have attachment issues, and will spend many days trying to make you hate me. It is required you be able to celebrate the good and teach me what is true about myself, even when I believe lies so deeply imbedded within my thoughts and heart. Requirement: must bear all things, believe all things, hope all things and endure all things. You are not expected to be perfect, but you are expected to never give up.”



Do you believe in the God who parted the Red Sea ? Who turned water to wine? What miracles does He need to perform in your heart so that you can commit your life to a child who needs someone to be Jesus to them … by parenting them … even if there are some major difficulties and surprises along the way? This is what these children need. We serve a God who will turn us into just that, if we will let Him.



I could never, ever capture all I’ve learned about adoption in one post. So, in closing, allow me to be a lazy turd and just link to some of my other blabberings on the subject:



Painful Truth of International Adoption
Kids From the Hard Places
Open Adoption
When an Adoption Must Disrupt
Definitely, Maybe! (
That Kid is Not “Bad,” He’s Hurt


Don’t freak out. Just stare it all in the face. Then stare yourself in the face. Then figure out what God is asking of you. Then throw up. Then do it.

God's Mission - Max Lucado

God's Mission:
Adoption by Max Lucado

When we come to Christ, God not only forgives us, he also adopts us. Through a dramatic series of events, we go from condemned orphans with no hope to adopted children with no fear. Here is how it happens. You come before the judgment seat of God full of rebellion and mistakes. Because of his justice he cannot dismiss your sin, but because of his love he cannot dismiss you. So, in an act which stunned the heavens, he punished himself on the cross for your sins. God's justice and love are equally honored. And you, God's creation, are forgiven. But the story doesn't end with God's forgiveness.

For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our Spirit that we are children of God (Rom. 8:15–16 NASB).

But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons (Gal. 4:4–5 NASB).

It would be enough if God just cleansed your name, but he does more. He gives you his name. It would be enough if God just set you free, but he does more. He takes you home. He takes you home to the Great House of God.

Adoptive parents understand this more than anyone. I certainly don't mean to offend any biological parents—I'm one myself. We biological parents know well the earnest longing to have a child. But in many cases our cribs were filled easily. We decided to have a child and a child came. In fact, sometimes the child came with no decision. I've heard of unplanned pregnancies, but I've never heard of an unplanned adoption.

That's why adoptive parents understand God's passion to adopt us. They know what it means to feel an empty space inside. They know what it means to hunt, to set out on a mission, and take responsibility for a child with a spotted past and a dubious future. If anybody understands God's ardor for his children, it's someone who has rescued an orphan from despair, for that is what God has done for us.

God has adopted you. God sought you, found you, signed the papers and took you home.

Waiting

Guest Blogger Christine from Smiling All the Way Back wrote this beautiful post about waiting for her son in the Ukraine. I hope it will encourage all of those waiting for their children......



Adoption is not an easy road. That is so hard for me to understand. My own logic says that there is a need and when a family is willing to step up and care for a child it should be immediate because the child is already born. Why is it necessary to go through all of the paperwork, all of the doctor appointments, fingerprinting, blah, blah, blah, blah? If I chose to have a biological child, I would not have to jump through so many hoops. I do realize that because it is often harder for someone to care for a child that is not of their own flesh and blood it is good to "check" them out, but after that part is done, I do not think anyone can get me to understand the point of waiting. Like with Alexsey. We have been approved to adopt and have managed to supply every piece of documentation that is needed, so why can't we just go and get our son and bring him home?I have wrestled with this for many years--- and have failed to come up with any answers that really make sense to me until now. Last night, while reading a book, I found this verse on Faith and Endurance. It is about building character and as I read it, a light bulb went off.

James 1:2-4 (New Living Translation) "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Adoption comes with its own challenges even if they only happen to be the language and culture barrier. Realistically, any adoptive family will face many more challenges before life feels "normal." Being tested with the paperwork, the waiting, the unknown, and the adoption process itself is a chance to get closer to God... a chance to grow. I look at it as a lesson on patience.... something our Heavenly Lord knows we will need alot of once our children are home. How wise is that? If adoption was very quick and easy, I think we would get way more overwhelmed than what we already are when our children first come home. That time spent doing the paperwork gets us ready for all of those new medical enrollment forms, school enrollment forms, homework, and insurance forms. Dealing with all of the crazy delays, paperwork requests, and endless changes in the process prepare us for parenting. During this wait, we are given the opportunity to pray for our children---- a priceless gift to give to our soon to be child.With every adoption journey we have been on, we have always been blessed in the end.

James 1:12 says, "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

God will not let me down.

Lowering Expectations

It is not uncommon for children coming from orphanages or foster care to be emotionally younger than their actual age. Most families I speak to have shared this also and we have seen it in our own home.

What often happens though is that the child is expected to behave according to their actual age. They are treated like a child would be who was the same age. And from what I have seen this can lead to a lot of struggles. It can make attachment harder too.

Many times the child is simply not capable of acting or behaving in a manner that is expected of them. This leads to disgruntled parents and sad and confused children. It can also lead to the child acting out more. And many times minor behaviors can escalate into much worse. It becomes a vicious cycle.

The parents begin to wear out. They become physically and emotionally exhausted trying to deal with their child, who seems to be worsening by the moment. The parents cannot understand why the child is acting the way they are. The child can't understand why the parents are so angry with them all of the time. Before long everyone is miserable.

How do I know all of this? Because we got stuck in the cycle. We were those parents at one time. And it wasn't until God shined some light on our situation that we were able to break the cycle.

One way we were able to do this was to lower our expectations immensely. We realized that our children were not capable of the behavior we were asking of them. We began to look at them in a new way. Instead of seeing them as the age they actually are, we began looking at their emotional age. In doing so, we were able to love them where they are at and to expect less of them.

Typically, children coming from orphanages may be socially and emotionally delayed. They can be anymore from 2-6 years younger than their actual age. I have read that it depends on the length of time they spent in the orphanage. In other words, subtract how many years they spent in the orphanage from their age. I don't know if that holds true or not, but it is not a bad way of gauging where your child is at. However, I don't think it is imperative to have an exact number. Just recognizing that your child is not at the same level as his or her peers can often make a huge change in how you parent them.

It can be frustrating at times. Believe me I understand. When your 5 year old lays down and on the ground and has an enormous temper tantrum, you may be thinking that he is too old for such ridiculous behavior. However, if you look at your child's emotional age, he may be right on target. He may never have had the opportunity at age two to throw a temper tantrum. And even if he did he may not have ever had anyone care if he did. While I know that handling this behavior can be terribly upsetting, having the ability to understand where your child is at can help you have more compassion when they behave younger than they are.

If you are stuck in a vicious cycle, perhaps you may need to look at your child in a new way. Lowering your expectations for them may be all that is needed. These children need a lot of grace, a lot of love, and strong parents who are willing to help them through every stage. And the good news is, with the right parenting, they can grow into their age .

Please Help!

We are the Cain family and we are a Christian family involved with Haiti for about 5 years.

I traveled for 2 years every three month doing mobile medical clinics with a team of doctors who has

been doing medical clinics for over 30 years. I feel in love with the Haitain people and we felt the Lord was leading us to adopt. We currently have two daughters home from Haiti for almost two years.

We have been feeling the call to adopt again and committed to a little boy John 3 years old and then a girl Nerlande she is 19 months old.

I was still struggling with adoption and feeling the Lord's call not sure what to do. I then found out about a sibling

of our girls at home named Darline. She has been at the orphange for over 4 years waiting on her adoptive mom to come get her. Little did our director know she was not going to and she kind of feel into our lap and I started to understand what the Lord was calling us to do. This sweet 9 year old girl needs a family and we want her to be a part of our family but we need funds to adopt her. I can only imagine how she feels after watching all her friends and siblings ( our girls are her cousins) going home only to wait and wonder why not me?

I know this is part of Gods wonderful plan for our family, this precious girl will finally have a family to love her


Please visit tamarandniterline.blogspot.com and help this precious family with their adoption.

May is Foster Care Awareness Month

May is Foster Care Awareness Month. If you have ever considered Fostering or Adopting a child out of Foster Care, please visit Adopt US KIds .

There is also a link on the sidebar of this blog. There you will be able to see children available for adoption as well as find valuable information to begin the process to adopt or foster in your state.

For more information on Foster Care Awareness Month please visit: http://www.fostercaremonth.org

“All children deserve a safe, happy life — including the 496,000 American children and youth in foster care. Young people in foster care especially need nurturing adults on their side because their own families are in crisis and unable to care for them.

Each May, we salute the compassionate people who make a difference by serving as foster parents, relative caregivers, mentors, advocates, social workers, and volunteers. Thanks to these unsung heroes, many formerly abused or neglected children and teens will either safely reunite with their parents, be cared for by relatives, or be adopted by loving families.”

Adoption is a Wonderful Struggle

Thanks to Guest Blogger Ginny for sharing her thoughts on Adoption as a newly adoptive parent.....

Adoption is a Wonderful Struggle.


Jonny and I are an example of adoptive parents who learned the story of Liberia and her hurting children and dove into adoption headfirst. We believe that God urged us in this direction. Despite our best efforts, we truly did not prepare ourselves ahead of time for how to handle some of the issues we would deal with in our adopted children. We honestly didn't realize we needed to. I did see phrases such as "post traumatic stress" on the adopting from Liberia yahoo group, but dismissed them. There was so much to scare and discourage on that group that I chose to dismiss most all that I read there. Towards the end of our process we did start hearing a lot of horror stories (that we knew were true) about children with issues related to sexual abuse, and to be honest we almost decided not to go through with our adoption. However, we spent a lot of time praying and really trying to make sure we were listening to God, and not our fears, and we decided to proceed. For awhile I was literally scared to death of what we were about to do. I spent a lot of time crying. I had just had my fourth baby and we were having a really hard time just making that adjustment. My physical recovery was grueling. I didn't know how on earth I was going to handle what was about to land on my plate. However, I pushed through my fears and just really laid the whole situation at God's feet. Time and time again He assured us that we were to adopt Moses and Ezra. Based on what was going on in the world of Liberian adoption around the time Jonny brought our boys home, it is truly a miracle that they were allowed to leave the country and come home. God's plan for their lives and ours could not be thwarted.

Our boys have been home for four months now, and we are still in a period of transition and adjustment. However, we have learned much during this four months. I have said it once, and I will say it again: No child who is abandoned by his parents and lives in an orphanage before being adopted by people from across the world is going to walk away without having some issues. That alone is enough to cause damage. Then consider that many of these children are abused, sometimes physically as ours were, and sometimes sexually. My opinion based on our experience so far is that a child from these circumstances cannot be parented in the same way that a child who has a healthy parent/child attachment can. This seems obvious to me, but there are definitely people who disagree with me. One thing I have learned from talking to other adoptive parents over these months is that there are many different opinions out there about how to handle these issues. There are also strong opinions about whether or not these kids even have issues, and if so whether or not it is healthy to label them.



My journey with Seth actually prepared me so well for being adoptive mom. Because of him, I have struggled with the concept of labeling, for years. I went through so much pain, sorrow, and fear trying to figure out what if anything was "wrong" with my oldest son. It's not so much that something was wrong, as that something about him was and is different. I spent a lot of time second guessing myself because of the opinions of others. I blamed myself and decided that I was a bad mother because that was easier than allowing my son to be labeled. However, because I fought letting him be labeled, he was misunderstood and mistreated time and time again. I pray that this didn't do any long term harm. I researched on my own for years, then spent time working with an occupational therapist who really understood Seth, and finally realized that I had to stop listening to other people's opinions and trust the professionals who knew him along with my own instincts as his mother. It was my responsibility to take care of my son, even if I was judged in the process. So I finally bit the bullet and carried Seth for extensive testing at one of the most prestigious children's hospitals in the country. I wasn't going to let just anyone slap a label on my child, but at the same time I had started to realize that he fit the profile of the "label" of Asperger's Syndrome. I realized that if Seth indeed did have Asperger's that I needed to know "for sure" so that I could insist that he be treated as a child with Asperger's not as a "bad child." Imagine how damaging for a child to be scolded for things out of his control. I had to make sure that stopped for Seth. The only way to be taken seriously was to get him "labeled." Since the diagnosis in October of 2007, I have come to understand Seth so much better. I have also learned that every single child with Asperger's is obviously going to be different. No one child fits the bill perfectly, and I treat Seth as an individual, not a "label." He is capable of more than many kids with Asperger's and I have high expectations of him. However, I also know when to ease up because of his issues. I must say that in my opinion and for myself, education is a good thing.

All this being said, I was prepared to treat my adopted children as individuals with individual needs and issues relating to their history. However, because of all the different information swimming around in the adoption world, and never knowing who I should trust, we didn't know what sort of issues we would be dealing with, nor how to deal with them. During these past four months I have grown to know and understand my adopted boys better than anyone else in the world knows them. I have watched both of them change and grow in so many ways during our short time together. I have also watched them struggle with the difficulty of the transition. However, they have adjusted to our home, our family, and our ways with such ease in many ways it is truly incredible. Moses is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever known. While he doesn't yet "feel" the same to me as one of my biological children, I do have a tremendous amount of love and respect for him. Ezra has been harder to get close to because so much of who he is, is buried beneath a mask of fear. Having never parented hurting children like Moses and Ezra before, we spent so much time early on struggling to understand the "why"behind a lot of their behavior and trying to figure out how to address those behaviors. It became clear that everything we knew about parenting was about to change. It also became clear that we should seek the help of a trained therapist. Ezra is the one who really prompted us to do this. Our instincts told us that he had issues that were greater than our experience as parents. We needed help from someone we could trust; someone with vast experience with children like ours to bounce our ideas off, and get feedback and advice on how to best parent our boys. It only took one meeting with Mr. D and we felt 100% more positive and prepared. God placed him in our lives. During this period of seeking advice and understanding, both Jonny and I started recognizing some patterns in both children. Through our sessions with Mr. D and reading material he has given us, we have realized that both boys suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Now, for some reason there are people out there who oppose the labeling of our children with this disorder. It has been suggested to me that we are going to do more harm than good by labeling them. I guess I just don't see that. I guess I don't really look at it as labeling. When your child is hurting and you don't know exactly why and traditional methods of making them feel better aren't working, it is easy to start getting hopeless. I think it must be similar to having a child who is physically ill and until you find out what is making them ill, you can't treat the illness. If the illness is misdiagnosed it might be treated with the wrong medicine, making them sicker. If it goes undiagnosed they may continue to get sicker and sicker with time.
Most adopted children, no matter what country they are from, and some people will say I am wrong here, this is just my opinion, have all suffered from similar hurts such as abandonment. These hurts lead to similar issues making it easier to figure out what is going on because there are recognizable patterns of behavior. Because of what we learned from Mr. D we were able to recognize that Ezra's terror reaction to urination was a post traumatic stress reaction. So even before we figured out why he had this extreme reaction, we knew it was rooted in previous trauma and therefore knew to handle it very gently. We have found that certain things trigger Moses, and for the most part those things can be avoided. However, every now and then he has an over the top reaction to something and we know how to handle that now because we know that his irrational behavior is related once again, to previous trauma. We recognize when our children are having a "fight or flight" reaction and know now how to handle it. To say that "labeling" our kids as sufferers of PTSD is hurting them is ludicrous in my opinion, because they obviously fit all the criteria, and because we know the root of their behaviors we can now help them to heal. When it comes to the topic of RAD, I look at it as sort of a spectrum. Some kids have severe RAD, and some just have issues with attachment that I believe just come with the territory. What I do believe is that there are techniques out there for parenting children with RAD that can be very helpful when parenting any child who is learning to attach. We believe that while Moses is not fully attached to us, meaning we have not gained his trust 100%, he is attaching in a way that we would describe as "normal" (whatever that really means). For Ezra, he is fighting attachment more and there are reasons for this I have gone into before, but the heart of it is fear. The bottom line is that he is more afraid of trust and love than Moses is. It has been very helpful to us to learn more about RAD so that we can handle Ezra's behaviors in a way that fosters attachment. He does some really wacky stuff that is very irrational. By understanding the root of the behavior and how best to handle it, we can alleviate our own fears, and also work to alleviate his.
It was suggested to me by a person who disagrees with labeling adopted children, that we need to just let our kids be kids. Anyone who knows me knows that our kids are most certainly getting to be kids. As a child who grew up way too fast, one of my goals as a mother is to make sure that doesn't happen to my kids. In the case of Moses, he already had to do too much growing up, but you can be sure that we are doing all we can to help him reclaim his childhood.
And just for anyone wondering, we haven't put stickers on our kids' foreheads labeling them as PTSD kids, nor do we discuss that label with them. However, we do handle their irrational behaviors with love and compassion with the goal of healing, not just putting a patch on their hurts and hoping they will go away. Over time we will be here to listen when they are ready and able to talk about their past hurts. We feel privileged that Moses is beginning to trust us enough to share some of that with us, and we are here to reassure him that he is safe now, and that it is normal to feel anger and he has every right to. Ezra isn't able to verbalize as much yet, but we still have ways of helping him to let his anger out in a safe way so that he can heal.
I know that there is a fear out there that if potential adoptive parents hear too much "real" talk that they won't want to adopt. I think that the people out there who have been called to adoption will continue to seek God's will for their lives, and by knowing that there are struggles ahead will be able to better prepare themselves for that. I am no expert, nor have I seen any statistics, but what I have heard is that there are a lot of Liberian disruptions. I am not going to pretend for a second that we haven't had days when we didn't contemplate disruption ourselves. The truth is that sometimes the going just gets really tough and it is easy to get trapped in a cycle of fear. I have felt incredibly insecure about talking about our struggles publicly; however in doing so I have received support from several adoptive moms who have been there, done that, and come out the other side with a success story. I needed to hear those stories, and I am so grateful to those women who have reached out to me. I sincerely apologize to any of you who are in the process and have been alarmed by what I have written. I can tell you with confidence that once you figure out what you are dealing with and how to deal with it, things get so much easier, and these children are worth it.
We have had over a week now of good days. When I say good days, I don't mean days without dealing with difficult behaviors, but days in which I have stayed positive and firm in my resolve to show my children love. I am not going to pretend that I will be able to stay consistently positive from here on out, I am way too selfish and sinful for that, but I think I have come through the worst of things. I realized that as I worked to stop letting Ezra control me in a physical sense, I continued to let him control my feelings. I could pretend that he wasn't making me mad, but inside I was still angry and afraid. During a conversation with a very helpful adoptive mom a light bulb went off for me when she reminded me that I am very blessed, I have a wonderful life, my adopted children are going to be just fine, and that I cannot let them control my feelings or my outlook. At that moment by God's grace I was able to pull myself out of this vicious cycle I had become trapped in. I had become bogged down with fear that things wouldn't turn out okay. I had stopped trusting God and I had let my emotions run wild. I realized that my fears were unfounded. My biggest fear, the fear for the well being of my biological children, has been completely unrealized. My biological kids LOVE Moses and Ezra. Not once have they said that they wished we didn't adopt them (and yes, I have prodded and asked behind closed doors and Seth would tell me if he was upset). This is despite the fact that they do fight and squabble like normal siblings. They have settled into their relationships and they act like they have been brothers and sisters forever. I am so proud of all of my children; they truly set an example for us adults.
And finally, the other positive thing I have learned is that attachment takes time and that is OKAY. My feelings will grow over time just as Moses' and Ezra's will.
So I could ramble on and on here (haven't I already??). The bottom line is this: Adoption is a wonderful struggle. Even though we are right in the middle of what I have been told is the hardest time, we are healthy, happy, and blessed. I took the advice of one adoptive mom (left in a comment, I believe) and started thanking God every day for these boys, and it was sort of hard at first to thank him for Ezra, I'll admit. But I can tell you that I have reached a point where I am truly thankful for his little life. So anyway, thanks to those of you who have followed us this far and continued to show us love and support. God has used all of you not only for mine and Jonny's good, but especially for Moses and Ezra's good.